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Ooowweey gooeeey love

01 Sep

Since I can’t have you, I want nothing to do with you. Why am I having a complete deja vu moment. Why is this happening again. Why can’t we just be friends? Why is it an all or nothing situation? Already shared  this with bff. Her response:

If she’s asking to be your girlfriend (again) and you turn her down, then she has no reason to pursue any other type of relationship from you. Including a friendship.

Whats up with the all or nothing thing. The least she can do is stay in touch. Have coffee…

For what? That’s not what she wants. Do you realize how uncomfortable that would be for her to stay in your life, knowing that she can never really be in your life. If this woman really wants to be with you, your woman, your soulmate, and all your offering is friendship, do you really think she’s going to happily take that? No, she’s not. So for her own protection so to speak, it has to be an all or nothing situation for her.

Fine. So I get it. But the thing is I’m not totally against starting something up again. It’s just that we are in a awkward situation. She’s thousands of miles of way. So everything has to be done by phone or web. And even if we do the whole ‘let’s get to know each other over again thing’, there isn’t going to be a promise of a relationship after all is said and done. If I realize after all our long distance communication she’s just not the one for me, then what. Where does that leave us. Will she feel like she wasted her time? Will we end up bonding in a great unexpected friendship instead? Is she willing to take that risk of a long distant dating with no guarantee of committment. And how is this any different from dating, period. You meet someone, you date someone, you like them and decide to take that next step. You don’t like them and decide to move on. Bada boom bada baam. Right.

I guess my thing is, that I’m just not interested in dating period. It’s such a turn off right now in my life. And also the idea of going back to a ‘been there, done that’ situation, is not really enticing. The excitement of getting to know someone new, being in their new and different space and having to open up all over again is interesting to me. I like that idea.

There’s potential in wanting you….just not right now. There’s things that turn me on about you and  of course stuff that turns me off. I love the way you switch it up. I love your feminine side and your not so femme side. Your sensitivity, yet bluntness. The thought of spending my life with my FIRST love is romantic, in a chickflick kinda way. In a ‘I married my highschool sweetheart’ kinda way. I like it. Are you the future wife that I fantasize about. Not really. She’s an art lover, a book and sundance film lover, challenges me with her deep conversations til 3am. She’s spontaneous. Has a career, has her hobbies. Has her shit together so to speak. She’s a feminist. Kinda, cus she still likes to watch porn, especially when the guys fuck each other…lol Anywho…when I’m 30 I suppose I’ll fall in love. If the right one passes me by, so be it. Right now, I have no love to give. And have no interest in doing so. Getting involved now would simply be a waste of time. If your taken in 2 years, that’s cool. If not…let’s do lunch.

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Posted by on September 1, 2010 in dear diary, Lesbo stuff

 

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