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Monthly Archives: August 2011

Confidence

“When she talks, I hear the revolutions
In her hips, there’s revolutions
When she walks, the revolution’s coming
In her kiss, I taste the revolution”

Bikini Kill  ‘Rebel Girl’

…that’s what I love in a woman. That what A. exudes. And it’s HOT!

everytime I hear this song, I think of her

 

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Posted by on August 30, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

pms sucks

FYI, way too much information

 After about 15 or so years of having a monthly cycle Ive realized that I’ve never really experienced pms. Until NOW.

After restraining myself from wanting to choke the cashier b/c her slippery fingers wouldnt open my plastic bag fast enough OR going into complete meltdown (tears, crying, head-ache from crying, loosing sleep, how will I ever live to see another day, blah, blah) all b/c A. told me a past girlfriend took her out for a birthday dinner (soooo not the jealous type) OR eating like a fucking pig, like I’ve literally looked at another human being and wanted to eat them…hungry OR feeling like a sex fien on crack, like omg I wanna hump the damn wall or something…

like i said, too much information

*Sigh* soooo…this is PMS? Why am I just now discovering this. The worst I had to worry from my cycles was bad cramps. Even then a couple of advil would take care of that. I would always get confused when I would hear  commercials talk about mood swings, bloating, sensitivity…Huh?…who were these women? What are they talking about?

I was beginning to think I was going crazy. Either that or I was  conventiently turning into a warewolfe every full moon/3rd week of the month. Short from checking myself into the nearest psych ward I decided to keep track of these hormonal disturbances and sure enough, it was all happening a few days before thee ole’ cycle. Which would be a ‘duh’ moment for most, but I’ve NEVER experienced this before. I guess I should consider myself lucky. And apparently my luck has run out. Hopefully this PMS madness will go away just as quickly as it came.

Woooosaaaaaaa…..breathe….

 

 
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Posted by on August 26, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

My path

A FB friend said it best, “…this isnt me. The a/c, the lights, the computer…” Being so excited just to have a job, but then realizing that this isnt you at all. I feel you girl, trust me. When you know your path is on the opposite end of the spectrum from what your currently doing… for me it’s…healing  by touch, by spirit and energy, or simply positioned in a asana pose to energize the soul…but yet to find youself in a…

OFFICE…my god, it’s like…draining.

 But since bills need to be paid and food needs to be digested, here I sit, in my…

Office.

There is no doubt that I will eventually get to that place, where I want to be, but it’s just the ‘mean time’ that is challenging. But I’m blessed none the less. For this torturous hell hole is what’s paying for the licensing process, CEU’s, yoga/meditation classes, trips to see A. every other month, so no, not complaining, simply…expressing.

The day where I will never hear the click, clattering of the keyboard for 8 hours straight or figure out another software program. The day I will never pick up the phone and ooze out this sugary sweetness of exaggerated enthusiam as some lady tells me her life story, but my ego is screaming. ” I don’t care!” 

will be absolute HEAVEN…

until then I shall not complain. I will be appreciative for what I have now, and grateful for what will become in the future. 🙂

 
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Posted by on August 26, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Sweetest Taboo 3

all this time i was writing Charlene. I meant to spell it as Charlynn. correcting…now

editing errors and all, does this story have an ending

“Baby, I’ll just be gone for the weekend. Monday night at the most.”
Snapping out of my daydream I glanced up at Angela, confused.
“You’re grinding your teeth again.” She giggled. “Your so cute when your worried. I’ll call as soon as I get to Gina’s, okay.”
“Yeah okay, babe.”
She headed toward the bedroom to get the last of her belongings for her weekend trip out of town.
It had been two weeks since I had seen or even talked to Charlynn. What was I supposed to do? Just drop by, turn the game on and simply act like nothing had happened.
Or should I call and apologize? But apologize for what exactly.
Angela’s presence once again broke into my thoughts.
She burst out laughing. “There you go again. Too cute.”
I fought back the urge to say ‘I’m not even thinking about your ass right now.’
But I simply grabbed her suitcases and headed to the car.
“Come on Angie, your going to be late.”
If Angela hadn’t been so self involved she would have realized that my daily text and phone calls and almost daily visits to Charlynn’s had abruptly stopped. I hadn’t been withdrawn all this time because Angela was leaving. I simply missed my best friend.
“So what are you going to do all week without me.” Angela whined.
I”m sure I’ll figure it out. “Probably write some music. Maybe get with the band for a few hours.”
“Oh okay, well I’ll see you later.” I gave her a kiss and watched her drive off.
What now?

I plopped down on my couch and prepared myself for a full day of Lifetime. There were no plans of meeting with the band or writing music. After three months of touring, we usually took a long and much needed hiatus from each other. Of course this was something Angela should have known too. I began to realize just how easy it was to lie to Angie. I didn’t even have to try.

~~~
The ringing of my cell phone jolted me awake. How long was I sleep? I sprang from the couch and rush to the kitchen counter.
Angela.
My heart sunk. I sighed loudly and placed the phone back down,  surprising myself at how disappointed I was. There was only one person that I wanted to hear from right now.
Lifetime was onto its next sad and dramatic tale.
The sound was turned low, but I got the jist of what was taking place. A pathetic looking brunette was seated at the edge of her bed reading a letter that had been left for her. As her eyes drifted down the bottom of the note her face contorted from confusion to all out misery. She balled the letter up and fell onto her bed in a histeria of tears. She must of heard some type of noise within the house, because she immediatly calls out and rushes out the room. Upon reaching the hallway that lead to the front door, a striking man (of course, dark and mysterious) is standing in the path way. There’s a lingering yet senuous stare, just before they run into each other’s arm and surrender into a deep longing kiss.
Frustrated I turned off the TV. The far fetched idea of Charlynn coming through my door and embracing me in a deep kiss crossed my mind.
Yet, the thing was I didnt so much miss her kisses I simply missed her. I wanted my bestfriend back.

It would be going on 6 months since Charlynn and I have been messing around. Technically between me touring and traveling it would 3 months of us consistently being together.
I’m not much of a drinker. I suppose I used to be when I was younger. But my getting ‘fucked up’ days were over. Now it  usually just took two drinks for me to be done for the night.
Exactly 6 months ago, I was at a local gay club on a Friday night. The couple I was with left earlier in the night due to a lover’s quarell. I remember thinking to myself ‘glad I don’t have that problem.’ At the time I had just begun dating Angela and we were basking in the bliss of the honeymoon phase. Everything was great. That night I dance and dranked like there was no tomorrow and by 3 o’clock that morning I was clearly wasted. Since me and Angie were still new I didn’t know how comfortable she would be with me stopping by her house in the middle of the night, in a drunken state, wanting a quickie. But I definitely didn’t want to go home alone. So naturally, Charlynn was my go to place. Plus, I was being a cheapskate. A taxis would cost about $30 bucks to get home, while Charlynn was literally a few blocks away. I decided to just walk and burn some alcohol out my system.
I had a key to Charlynn”s house, however, at 3:45am, I still took it upon myself to knock loudly on her door. 

Damn I’m messed up, I thought, as I bobbed my head to the last song that had played in the club that night.

 Standing outside for what seemed like forever, I went between subtle knocking, to making all out beats on her door. Apparently, I was still very much intoxicated because if I had any sense I would have simply called her to say I was stopping by.
I heard a rustling behind the door as Charlynn finally let me in.
Really, man.” She simply said.
I could tell she wasn’t upset. She appeared to be a little amused.
“I’m fucking hungry!” I sanged, heading straight to her kitchen.
Charlynn laughed but firmly said, “Hey. My girl is sleep.”
I rolled my eyes. By now I knew that if Charlynn’s ‘girl’ didn’t have a name, she was either a one nighter or someone she was casually dating. She’ll be gone by the end of the week.
Charlynn settled on the couch and turned the TV on.
“I see you enjoyed yourself tonight.”
“I did.” I uncovered a plate of what seemed to be leftover chicken alfredo and tossed it in microwave.
“You get any numbers.”
Charlynn, I’m with Angie.”

She stared at me blankly.
“You know, Angela. Don’t tell me you forgot.”
“Wow, your still talking to her? So I guess it’s serious.”
I shrugged. “Yeah, I guess you can say that.”
“Aw, my little bro is settling down.” She laughed.
“Yeah, maybe you should do the same and stop whoring around.” I said, as I settled down on her sofa.
“Man, don’t get anything on my couch. I know how you like to eat.”
I waved her off, but she was right. I was a bit of a slob and being intoxicated would only make things worse.
“And plus, I just havnt found the right girl.” Charlynn added.
“Exactly. Stop fucking around with these girls, “I said motioning upstairs to he room.  “And find a damn woman.”
She pierced her lips together and simply turned the volume up.
I just smirked. Yep the truth hurts.

I must have dozed off because I could feel Charlynn gently nudging me awake.
“Come on. Get in the bed.”
I knew what bed she meant. My own miniature home away from home. She had a guest room down the hall that I practically owned. There were a few of her cloths and items in the closet, but my wardrobe literally took over. Along with my X-box, dvd player, flat screen, and a few home accessories for a nice final touch.
I stumbled into bed fully clothed and began to call it a night when I felt Charlynn slipping my shoes off.
“Thanks.” I mumbled.
“Here.” She said softly, moving her hands up my back  as she also slid my t-shirt off me. Still leaning slightly over me, she whispered, “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Thanks.” I mumbled again as curled onto my side. I began to wonder if senses were more heighten when your intoxicated. Or was it just the opposite. Why could I smell the subtle hint of amber in her locs or the clean crisp fragrance that rose from her cloths. And why was I able to feel her breath tickling the side of my neck. Perhaps this was the lingering affects of the tequila, I thought as I shifted myself onto my back. Suddenly the lingering scent of Quervo smacked me dead in my face. It was the shot Charlynn had been sipping on before I dosed off. I then wondered if we were somehow telephatic,  because the oddest thought crossed my mind.

I want her.

I always wondered on that night who kissed whom, but none of that really mattered. Neither of us pulled away when our lips touched and her tongue caressed and played with mine. Her mouth was soft, warm and inviting. Nothing like her rough exterior. I’m not sure how long we had been kissing, but her voice jolted me out of my dream like trance as she whispered, “Pull my hair back.” I quickly did a make shift pony tail, using a couple strands of her own locks to tie down her hair. Before I could think another thought, she was already kissing and nipping just below my stomach, dipping right above my thigh. A long moan slipped passed my lips. Damn. There was no way that Charlynn was going to hear me screaming like a little bitch. I clenched my jaw tightly. Hold it together, Maria.

Just as quickly as she had begun her torturous kisses along my inner thigh she abruptly stopped and yanked down my pants, exposing my underwear. At this point my euphoric daze had come to a crashing halt. I wasnt sure if it was the reality of now being aware that I was wearing lace panties and not the stereotypical boxers that studs are ‘supposed’ to wear and now Charlynn, of all people knew my secret or if it was suddenly realizing that we were about to have sex. The foreplay was offically over.

Bang, bang, bang

 I jumped off the couch and nearly tripped over the blanket I had wrapped around me as I scrambled for the door. Untangling the blanket from my legs I realized my pussy was aching and throbbing and no doubt I was probably dripping wet. Finally reaching the front door and squinting through the peep hole, there she was standing.

Charlynn.

 

 

 
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Posted by on August 23, 2011 in Poetry

 

I’m wondering if the honeymoon is over? Pretty much. We had our first argument/disagreement, if that. Sometime afterwards she ask, “Do we get along.” I said something like, yeah, why? She didn’t say anything. Last night she asked the same thing. “Yes. Things may be a little tense because your going through a lot of personal stuff and also because people change overtime.”
I wanted to expand on the whole ‘people change over time’ statement, but she quickly got off  the phone. Even though it hasn’t been that long (2 yrs) I feel as though I’m not that same girl she fell in love with. Honestly I see it as a good thing. I was more timid and not as confident. I let a lot of things slide. Idk. I just don’t think she’s used to my now very direct demeanor and sometimes smartass/sarcastic personality. I don’t mind toning it down a little. I know my directness could be construed as ‘mean’ and my sarcasm can be… well…annoying. Yes, I realize all this.
As I rattled on about my past ‘relationships’, sexual adventures, pros and cons of having a cuddy…, the look on her face was close to complete shock.
“I’ve never heard you talk like this.”
She was appalled, to say the least. Talk like what? I thought.
I think  it hit me. I never realized how much of me that I was holding back, while I was dating her. She was shocked at my verbage and complete frankness. I realized that I had always talked like that…just not in front of her. I didn’t just tone down an aspect of my personality, I completed deleted it.
Why?
She said something that annoyed me and I directly let her know. Basically, don’t ever do that again and try to figure out a different way to handle the situation. I got the classic hurt look from her and she got really quiet.
Great, here we go. I wanted to add, “What? Are you mad b/c I’m don’t simply nod and smile anymore. B/c I’m not that ‘yes ma’am’ girl anymore. B/c I’m not that little lost girl that you had to rescue and ‘take care of.’
But I didn’t. I don’t think she was quite ready for that. And if that’s the girl she’s looking for perhaps we won’t get along.
Not ‘if’ I know that’s the girl she wants.
“How come your not a pushover?” She asked, with a huge smile on her face. I just shook my head and smiled.
“When are you going to bow down to me?” She asked jokingly. I simply burst out laughing.
Yeah, there’s definitely some things we need to talk about.

 
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Posted by on August 22, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

So I’ve finally taken and passed the National Certification Board for Therapeutic Massage and Bodywork exam. Which the whole examination process is bullshit when you think about it. Pay boocoos of money just so you can ‘appear’ smarter on your resume or have states force you to take it just so you can attain your license. Thus equaling more money for these money hungry idiots. Well maybe they’re not idiots, perhaps they’re geniuses and I’m just jealous that I didnt think of this money making scheme myself. Damn.  Whatever, it’s done and over with. Now to dust off thee ole resume and coverletter, what an exhausting task.

Well my Janet Jackson weekend is coming up. And to my surprise Black Pride just happens to be on the weekend that I’m going, which A. just happened to find out about a week ago. Who’d thunk it? So my couple days there will be jammed packed and fun. I’ve also planned a nice get away trip in Oct. to Newport Beach in Cali for the week. Got a great deal on the Villas. Yeah, we’ll probably be wearing our coats to the beach, but who cares. There’s a jacuzzi in the master bedroom and plenty of alcohol:) Ahhh, life is good.

And apparently so is God, if you believe in having an imaginary friend:) My lukey wukey is doing better. He’s transferring to a more clinic like hospital. Basically in short he’s to sick to come home but not sick enough to stay in intensive care. As long as he’s not walking on the road of death, it’s all good. Five months in the hospital…please come home soon lukey.

 
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Posted by on August 16, 2011 in Uncategorized