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Monthly Archives: September 2011

“Oil Infusion Set” review…well kinda

I think I stumbled upon this product while watching youtube naturals last night. You would have thought I was newly natural with the videos I’ve been taking in. But no, just newly chopped. Trying to get an idea of how other twa’s style there hair. Anyway’s there were alot of videos expressing their thoughts on the (olive) “Oil Infusion Set” by Carol’sDaughter. The oil infusion set uses the product khoret amen, which has been a staple product pretty much since CD’s introduced her line. I first saw the Khoret Amen line several years ago, when I first discovered Carol’sDaughter, however I was always turned off simply by the name. ‘Khoret’ reminded me of carrots, so I just never came around to purchasing it, lol. I know, stupid. And I may be wrong about this, but I could have sworn she took the Khoret Amen line down some time ago, so I was surprised to see it up again in the form of the ‘Oil Infusion Set.”

Now basically this is my review/assumption of the product. The assumption is because, I’ve never used it. (Don’t you just love reviews from people who have never even used the products) . After watching several tuturials of how naturals used the ‘Oil Infusion’, and how their hair was reportedly manageble, soft, and detangled, I started thinking, well…if you put any oil, such as jojoba, olive, avocado oil, on your hair and scalp and lathered on top of that a good deep conditioner, such as any CarolsDaughter cond., sheamoisture, Motions, etc, than sat under a dryer for about 30 minutes, I would be absolutely shocked if my hair didnt feel manageble, soft, and detangled.

And honestly most folks have these ingredients at home right now. Who doesnt have a bottle of conditioner in their home? I’m guessing some would even have a ‘deep’ conditioner sitting on their shelves right now. And if you just so happen to have a bottle of olive oil in your kitchen cabinet, then there you go, oil infusion set in your home, saving you a sweet $25 bucks. I mean honestly whats the difference?

Whats in the Khoret Amen Hair Oil?

Olea Europaea (Olive) Fruit Oil, Fragrance (Parfum), Lavandula Angustifolia (Lavender) Flower Extract, Salvia Officinalis (Sage) Leaf Extract, Cananga Odorata (Ylang Ylang) Oil, Pogostemon Cablin (Patchouli) Oil, Jumiperus Virhiniana (Cedarwood) Oil, Salvia Sclarea (Clary Sage) Oil, Pimenta Racemosa (Bay) Oil

So basically she uses one carrier oil which would be the Olive Oil and various essential oils. And honestly the essential oils are there more or less to create the ‘khoret amen’ fragrance. But don’t get me wrong, these EO’s do contain beneficial properties, such as lavendar being a anti-inflammatory and sage, an anti-fungal. But without the EO’s added would you lose the hydrating and moisturizing affects? I honestly don’t think so.

What’s in your kitchen cabinet Olive Oil?…

Olive Oil
(Feel free to add in essential oils) *

Whats in the Khoret Amen Hair Smoothie?

Water (Aqua), Cetearyl Alcohol, Glycerin, Brassicamidopropyl Dimethylamine, Helianthus Annuus (Sunflower) Seed Oil, Amodimethicone, Olea Europaea (Olive) Fruit Oil, Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea Butter), Theobroma Cacao (Cocoa) Seed Butter, Mauritia Flexuosa (Buriti) Fruit Oil, Prunus Amygdalus Dulcis (Sweet Almond) Oil, Triticum Vulgare (Wheat) Germ Oil, Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Juice, Panthenol (Pro-vitamin B5), Tocopheryl Acetate (Vitamin E), Hydrolyzed Soy Protein, Cananga Odorata (Ylang Ylang) Oil, Pogostemon Cablin (Patchouli) Oil, Juniperus Virginiana (Cedarwood) Oil, Salvia Sclarea (Clary Sage) Oil, Pimenta Racemosa (Bay) Oil, Caprylyl Glycol, Hexylene Glycol, Cyclopentasiloxane, Tetrasodium EDTA, Aspartic Acid, Polysorbate 20, PEG-40 Castor Oil, Potassium Sorbate, Phenoxyethanol, Fragrance (Parfum)

Whats in my conditioner at home?

deionized water, butyrospermum parkii (shea butter), argan oil, cetyl esters, sea kelp extract, panthenol (vitamin b-5), ammonium salt, essential oil blend, avocado oil, lonicera caprifolium (honeysuckle) flower and lonicera japonica (japanese honeysuckle) flower extract, tocopherol (vitamin e), hyssopus officinalis extract, salvia officinalis (sage) leaf and equisetum arvense extract, soybean oil, daucus carota sativa (carrot) seed oil.

Both pretty much have really good natural and moisturing ingredients.

Now the only thing that’s new to me is the technique of the product. I have to admit I’ve never tried oil and a conditioner at the same time. If I’m doing a hot oil treatment, it’s simply putting oil on my hair then sitting under a dryer. So yes, the “Oil Infusion Set” technique is something new to me that I cant wait to try, but do I specifically need the “Khoret Amen Infusion Oil Set” to get the same benefits? I really don’t think so.

But hey, I could be wrong, this wouldnt be the first time.

 So personally I’ll pass on the “Oil Infusion Set.” But the technique, yeah I’ll definitely be trying that.

*For any ‘kitchen chemist’ out there, make sure your using ph balance strips for any homemade hair concoctions. And also create small batches that you will likely use within 1 to 2 wks. It cuts down on bacteria potenially forming 🙂

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Posted by on September 29, 2011 in dear diary

 

Tags: ,

Rum 4

*so just wrapping up the last half of  ch. 4, finally completed it, but the damn thing gets deleted off my phone. I swear i saved it. too annoyed to write it over, but it gets done. now when stuff like this happens either the second attempt is way better than the original, so your not mad that you had to write it over OR the second attempt completely sucks and your forever hunted by what couldve been. this draft is some where in between*
“Jaymese. Jaymese?”
“I’m sorry”….
Jaymese?”
“Huh?” Looking up through sleep filled eyes, I saw Yuri hovering over me.
“Someone’s at the door for you.” She replied. Her voice containing a hint of agitation.
I was sleeping. So that was just a dream? Of course. I wouldn’t be stupid enough to rummage through her belongings, with her just several feet away. With laughter tugging at the corners of my mouth I thought, “It’s all a dream. Only a dream.”
I practically leaped down the stairs and peeked around the corner into the living room to see who was waiting. No one. The living room was empty. Piercing my lips, I headed toward the front door. Don’t tell me she left them standing outside, in this weather. Typical Yuri. Unlocking and opening the door, I saw Ashley from one of my research classes huddled and shivering on the porch.
“Ashley? Come in, come in. I’m so sorry.”
“Hey, I’m sorry to just pop up like this. I know we don’t know each other that well, but uh…I think my laptop got stolen…I-I mean, I know it got stolen. Some one broke into my apartment two nights ago…and well…all my notes are gone. Everything.”
She was no longer shivering from the cold, Ashley appeared to physically be having a  total meltdown. Her hands quickly shot up to cover her face, but I could see remnants of her mascara already beginning to smear as her tears started to soak the cuffs of her jacket. Just as my hand reached out toward her shoulder to console her my brain went into a world of thoughts.
She’s not looking for a place to stay, is she? And she’s right, I don’t know her well. We worked on a project together last semester and she currently sits a few rows in front of me in my Statistic Research class. Yet I didn’t even know her last name.
Her soft whimpering, which cut through my train of thought, had now turned into loud howl.
I embraced her and rubbed her back. “Shhh. Don’t cry,” I said gently. Please. Stop crying. That’s all I need is to hear Yuri’s mouth.
“Girl, I’m sorry,” Ashley sputtered. “I just remember you saying that you lived right across from the Biltmore boutiques and well I looked at the mailboxes and saw your name and…and…I feel like such a stalker. I just didn’t have anyone to go to.”
“Ashley, its okay.” I said as I led her to living room couch.
“I wont stay long.”
My shoulders sighed with relief.
“I just wanted to know if you still have any of the research study notes from class. I lost everything.”
I could see her lip starting to quiver again.
“The test is monday and I have nothing.”
“It’s okay. I take pretty good notes and everything is on my usb drive. I have an extra one, so how about I just copy everything on it and you can just keep it.”
“Oh my gosh. Thank you.”
“No problem. Help yourself to the kitchen. You can make yourself some coffee if you want. I’ll just be one moment.”
“Thanks again, Jaymese.”
I headed up the stairs toward my room. Well this has been an interesting morning. Watching the Windows logo fade away on my laptop, I suddenly got an ideal.
“Yuri?” I tapped softly on her door.
“Yeah.”
I proceeded inside her room. The same room I had previously been in during my witch hunt in dreamland.
“My computer wont start. Can I borrow yours for like one second. I just need to copy some notes onto another usb drive for Ashley.”
“Bring it here.” She responded.
I walked slowly to her desk, slightly holding out the drive.
“No, Jaymese. The laptop.”
Inwardly cringing, I replied back, “Yuri, I don’t have time for you to fix my computer. Ashley’s in a hurry.”
“Well just bring it here. I’ll tinker with it while you do your thing.”
Ugggghhh. Why does she have to make things so difficult. I hate lying. To lie you have to be mentally creative. And I was obviously lacking imagination, because my brain simply drew a blank. Sighing loudly, I turned on my heels and proceeded to retrieve my laptop. Great. What now? Should I give my laptop a quick wack against the wall just to cover my ass?
The laptop was now on my home screen. I slammed it shut and went back to Yuri’s room.
“Here you go. Good luck.” I said tossing the laptop on her bed, as the computer practically did a somersault across her pillows.
Yuri looked at me like I had gone mad. “Well there you go right there. No wonder it’s broken. You don’t even know how to treat the damn thing.”
“Oops.” I said nonchalantly. I slid behind her desk, quickly glancing at her computer screen. Whatever had been on the screen was now gone. A recent photo of a waterfall I had taken some months ago on a vacation now took over her desk top.
“It’s all yours,” she said slowly getting up.
“Ashley is still downstairs. Can you make sure that she found the coffee okay.”
“Coffee is in the coffee pot, Jaymese. She’ll be fine.” Yuri plopped down on her king size bed and proceeded to ‘fix’ the laptop.
Alright then, how about you just leave already.
Come on Jaymese, just make it quick before she gets suspicious. I suddenly felt a sense of deja vu, except this time I was a complete nervous wreck. Sticking the usb drive in Yuri’s computer, I quickly transferred my files in her system. Instead of then copying them onto the other drive, I took this time to scan through Yuri’s computer. Where do I even begin? What exactly was I looking for? I glanced at her applications on the bottom of the screen. Software programs, spread sheet documents. I clicked on the most obvious. Her iCal application. Scanning through her personal calendar, I went back to the first week of November, the tuesday she was supposed to be flying out to D.C.
Sure enough, there it was in bold on November the 4th, “Finac. meeting with Fedco group. D.C.”  Well of course it’s there. Why wouldn’t it be? Maybe I had a wilder imagination then I thought. The whole Eric situation was simply a coincidence.
However… just because it’s marked in the calendar doesn’t mean-
“There’s nothing wrong with this computer.” Yuri replied from the foot of the bed.
Damn.
Placing the laptop on the side of her, she headed back to where I was seated.
“Wait Yuri. Sometimes when I, um, you know, download music, I’ll download it and then for some reason, I won’t be able to find the song that I just downloaded.”
“What?” Yuri’s face was now scrunched in confusion.
“Just take another look at it. Please.”
She sighed loudly, but plopped back on the bed to take a look at my laptop again.
I took this time to actually retrieve the saved lecture notes I just transferred and copied them onto Ashley’s usb drive.
Done.
Okay, now where was I? Pulling up her iCal again, I skimmed the rest of her calendar dates. The events, notes, and memos attached to each one all seemed to fall in line with her past meetings and business trips. Okay.
Taking a chance, I decided to do a search for a word, pages, or spreadsheet  document. Hoping to get lucky I typed in ‘Fedco Nov.’ Several files began to pop up as the computer extracted anything remotely close to the words ‘Fedco Nov.’ Including a couple of files labeled ‘Fedco Briefing and Fedco CoverSheet.’ Opening the files, I skimmed over them quickly. They all seemed legit and relevant to her recent business trip…but it still doesn’t prove that she was physically in D.C. My eyes lingered to her mail application at the bottom of the screen. I didn’t want to go there. Looking at a couple of dates on a calendar. Fine. ‘Accidentally’ glancing at a few documents. Sure. But going through her personal mail. Now that was just beyond intrusive.
Just do it already. You’ll never get this chance again.
The touch pad was now a sweaty mess under my finger as I gave it a slight tap. My eyes lit up as her personal mail now took over the entire screen. My mouth had turned insanely dry and the only sound in the room was my heart beating heavily in my ears. I had never been this close to Yuri. In her private space. This does not feel right. I’m not supposed to be doing this. Yet my eyes went to that very convenient search bottom to the right hand side. The too convenient button that let you put in the day, week, or month and a keyword of an email that you wanted to track down. I narrowed it down to November 4th and typed in the word ‘fedco.’ Several emails popped up on the left hand of the screen, all revealing the word ‘Fedco,’ but once again at first glance they seemed irrelevant.
Above the deafening pounding in my ears, I began to hear my own heavy breathing.
Quiet. Hurry up, Jaymese.
I went back to the search tab and entered ‘lunch.’
One email popped up. Without having to open it, the email showed the first couple of lines:
Barbara Meade                                                11/4/10
Lunch
How does SinLuci’s sound? Meet me in an hour and dont forget the Morgan files.
“You find what you were looking for.”
“Ahhh!” I screeched out a half scream and half gasp.
Nooo. This isnt happening again.
I could feel my eyes filling up with tears. Its over Jaymese. You’ve completely lost her trust. She’ll put Krissy and I out on our asses, again. It was time to stop the lies and simply be…honest.
“You see…I just wanted to know…”
I could now feel Yuri’s breathe grazing my neck, as her eyes presumably took in the obvious findings on the screen.
“I just wanted to know-”
As I hesitantly looked up at the looming email, I realized that the Barbara Meade message was no longer there. The computer now lit up with a full visual of Yuri’s personal calendar situated on the month of Novmeber.
 “…if…you…were going to be busy the last week of this month. We never get to have any girl time. I’d just thought I’d surprise you with a spa day and maybe dinner. Your just so busy, I thought maybe you could use a break.”
I held my breathe. Did she believe me?
Yuri looked from the computer screen, then back at me. Licking her lips slowly she straighten up.
“Next time just ask me. You know I don’t like surprises.”
“Oh, okay. I’m sorry.”
“And yeah, I can leave those days open for us to hang out.”
“Thanks Yuri.”
She gestured for me to move, so she could take her seat.
As I slowly rose from her desk I once again took in Yuri’s computer screen. There was absolutely no sign that the email had even been opened. What just happened? How long had Yuri been standing behind me? What exactly did she see? Was this another dream?
“Don’t forget your flash drives.”
“Oh yeah, thanks.”
“And your laptop seems fine. Have you ever thought to read your user manual.”
Piercing my lips, I replied, “No. But I’ll get right on that.”
With that, I grabbed my laptop and hurried downstairs to meet Ashley.
She had made herself quite comfortable as she sat curled up on the couch with a coffee mug in hand, eyes fixated on the TV.
“Here you go.”
Startled, she jumped up from the couch. “Oh, thank you Jaymese. I really appreciate this.”
“It’s no problem.”
“You know, we should study together sometime or at least grab a bite for lunch. I get so occupied with my studies that I forget to have a social life.”
“Yeah, me too.” I lied. “You’ve heard of SinLuci’s, right?”
“Whoa. When I said lunch, I meant a dollar coffee and cream puff at the corner bakery. Not a two hour plane ride and fifty buck entree.”
“So you have heard of it?”
“Who hasn’t? Doesn’t that one basketball player, um, James Landin own that place?”
“Yeah, I guess he does.”
“Wow, so is that an invite?”
Laughing, I said, “No, Ashley. And your right, the corner cafe sounds like a great idea. Lets make it a date.”
~~~~

“Okay, should I do dressy casual or dressy slutty?” I giggled into the phone with my friend Taelor.
“Dressy slutty! Wear that green dress. You know the one with the zipper.”
“Cool, let me hop in the shower and I’ll be downstairs in like thirty minutes.”
“Alright girl, I’ll see you in a little bit.”
It had been a few days since my email discovery and I’d admit that I felt  relieved. Yuri wasn’t involved with Eric. Why would she be? I still couldn’t explain what happened with her computer, but I wasn’t complaining. Maybe it was simply a computer glitch. And after doing a thorough search on SinLuci’s, I quickly discovered that there was only one restaurant called SinLuci’s, which was definitely located in D.C. So everything checked out. She was out of town. Well that solved that. Poor Eric was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
After doing one last makeup check I gathered my purse and house keys and proceeded downstairs. Walking past Yuris room I poked my head in.
“Hey Yuri, I’m taking off for the night.”
No response. I stuck my head in further and looked around her empty bedroom.
“Yuri,” I sang. Hm, I guess she stepped out for a moment. Closing her door back half way, I continued downstairs. Upon entering into the livingroom, I heard Yuri’s cell phone go off.
Abruptly turning around, “There you are.”
Except she was still no where to be found. Yuri’s phone sat on the table stand a couple of feet from the door. I couldnt help but see the glowing digits illuminating from her Blackberry screen.

Why did that number look so famililar? Thirty-seven hundred were the  last 4 digits. If I wasnt mistaken, that was the extension to the front desk of an old job.  Why would my job be calling Yuri?
“Hello?” I repliled, before voicemail could pick up.
“Hi, this is Samantha calling from Boulders Resort. Can I speak to Yuri Koval please.”
“Oh yes…the Boulders Resort. She said you would be calling. This is her…sister, Yuri’s not here can I take a message.”
“Yes, just let her know the we found her watch from her previous stay with us, and it will be here at the front desk for pickup.”
“Oh okay,” I decided to take a chance, what did I have to lose? “Her previous stay around the 4th?”
There was a slight a pause.
“Um, lets see…well yes, the 3rd to the 5th.”
The 3rd to the 5th?
I simply stood there. My brain trying to make the connection, but something wasn’t letting it. At this point ignorance seemed to feel much better. I couldnt bring myself to put the obvious pieces together. A woman’s voice floated through the air in some sort of inaudibale haze. I could feel my body go limp as the room seemed to get a little bit blurry. It was the sudden crash that jolted me from my dazed nightmare. The phone had fallen from my hands onto the hard tile floor.
Regaining my composure I gathered the phone up, “I’m sorry,” I breathed into the phone. “Must be a bad connection. I’ll let Yuri know right away, thank you.”
“Your welcome and you have nice day.”
Before placing the phone back on the table I deleted the incoming call from her records. It was funny how easy lying and sneaking around was becoming.
I wondered if Yuri was beginning to feel the same way.
 
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Posted by on September 28, 2011 in Poetry

 

hair drama

Why does it seem like the people closest to you are your worse critics. Because they…care? Before the BC, I hinted to co-workers and a couple associates about my sudden venture. Responses? Oh cool. Whatever style you have, you can pull it off.

Maybe people who are close to you, are just more comfortable being straight up honest with you. Family and friends respone:

“Noooooo!”

“You’ll look like a boy, dont do it.”

“You will be ALONE!”

“Is something wrong?”

When I actually did the BC, I nearly got a standing ovation at work. And compliments from some neighbors. But loved ones? You would have thought someone died. The less than thrilled reations from family members. That ‘obligatory smile.’ You know, the thin lip, straight line smile. And I’m sure my mother thinks I’m on my way to transitioning .

And this afternoon was the final straw. When A. called regarding the photos I sent. Like, I was sure somebody passed away. I could hear it in her voice. But nope, that wasnt it. She was dissapointed because I cut my hair. My goodness. Really. Is it that serious. She replies, “Well you know I didnt want you to cut your hair off.” Her tone and mood was clearly upset. After going back and forth, her insisting that this had to be some type of joke, me insisting that it cleary wasnt, A. said “we’ll talk later” and noted as long as like it then, fine.

By the way, I hate when people say. “Well as long as you like it…”

Honestly, I wish I can say I could care less what people think of me, especially regarding my personal style, but she did actually hurt my feelings.

I love my hair. And I have no regrets. And even though I said I was lazy and no longer wanted to style my hair…I ended standing in front of the mirror for 2 hours making little twisties. It actually came out really cute. I surprised myself. Anywho, thats my rant for the day. Now for some margaritas and 50 cent tacos. A. can talk to my voicemail.

 
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Posted by on September 23, 2011 in dear diary

 

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Big Chop

Well I finally did it. The plan was to chop at the end of this month. But you know when you get the feeling, if I don’t do this right now at this moment, ill never do it. Well that’s how I felt last night. So I sat down in front the bathroom sink, turned on my camera, (yes I have live footage, lol) and proceeded with the big chop. Since I’m not a professional and I didn’t quite know how to cut this wild child growing out my scalp, I made a bunch of french braids and went from there. The first chop was nerve wracking, but afterwards it was no going back. I actually really like it. And best believe ima rock it! I guess it would make sense to post pics…but, yeah its on FB, and what not.
Note* When I did the first cut I noticed like this dime size bald spot at the back of my head. Which freaked me out b/c, well one I have a bald spot! and two, I was confused at how I cut it that short. But apparently, the spot had been there previously. The culprit? I had a similar discovery at the crown of my head of all places several years ago. I eventually realized it was from wrapping my scarf around my head and knotting the scarf right at the top of my head. Apparently the knot, after weeks and months was cutting off circulation and causing breakage and eventual complete hair loss. Hm. Imagine that. So yes I stopped putting knots on top of my head, but clearly I didn’t learn my lesson b/c now I’ve began putting them at the back of head. However, these knots are from me pulling my hair back into a ponytail using a scarf, nylon, or simply a strip of cloth. Its better than trying to squeeze your natural into a twistie/scrunchi. And it doesn’t pull on your edges. But, with the cloth you still have to make a knot in order to secure it. And that knot ends up lying on the base of your head, eventually becoming a tiny bald spot? Has anyone experienced this?
Anyways, I sent mass photos to everyone, showing off my BC. I got comments such as “I guess it looks nice” “omg, it looks really cute.” And “please wear earrings and makeup” of course that one is from mommy dearest. Overall I’m happy.
Another note* this BC wasn’t an attempt to be natural, cuz I have been natural for about 12 years. I’m simply to lazy to continue styling my hair, lol. And a twa seemed to be my only option. 🙂

 
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Posted by on September 22, 2011 in dear diary

 

sooo late

Why I am always so late. Music, movies, b0oks, gossip. Im the one who hears, reads, watches stuff like 6 months after it happens. That’s just the way it goes. Well in this particular case I’m like decades late. I didnt know Sara Gilbert was a lezzie. Or maybe I did or simply forgot. What’s wrong with me? Odd  thing is, even as a kid watching Roseanne, I knew she was a lesbo. She reminds me of me. Her dry wit and sense of humor. Her sarcastic and smart ass remarks. Her grunge attire. Even when she was dating what’s his name, I still figured she was a lezzie. I mean she simply treated him like an annoying step-brother. But it wasnt until they had her get pregnant on the show, that I knew something wasnt quite right. Wait, and didnt she get married too. I cant remember. But in my little adolescent head i was thinking, noooooo!! Your suppose to run off with some hot, mid driff, daisy duke wearin’ chick. So, I mean I knew she was lesbian, I just didnt know she was a lesbian. Ya feel me?

I did see her on “the talk” on accident at work a few months ago, but I have no clue when I saw the show or what time it comes on.

Anyways, apparently Sara is splitting up with her long time girlfriend of 10 years, which she also has children with. Dang. Breaking up is hard to do, especially when there are children involved. They plan to share custody. Hope everything works out for em.

 
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Posted by on September 18, 2011 in Lesbo stuff

 

dr appt

I’ve been putting off working out for like a week now. Not even yoga. Since I found this weird bump at the base of my skull, slightly behind my ear, I’ve been completely freaked out. It almost feels like this pea sized bulging vein.

Worst case scenario, I’m on my elliptical machine, going at a steady jog as I slowly progess into full blown sprint mode. My heart begans to race and the usual sweat starts to drip down the small of my back and

POP!!

My vein explodes, leaking blood and toxins into my brain.  I collaspe as  my lifeless body flops and does a sumersault off the treadmill at lightning speed. Crumpled on the filthy gym floor succuming to a sudden and devastating death.

Yeah, sooo I havnt been exercising lately. I did go to my physician to have it checked on, but apparently I’m hallucinating because for the life of my dr. she swears she couldnt find anything. She also thought I was speaking about my glands. Nope. Im fully aware of all my glands and where they’re located. This is not one of them. Perhaps if I talk ‘big’ she will realize I’m not a complete moron.

Me: Its right above the border of my occiptal ridge, proximal to my ear. There.

Her heavy handed man hands clumsily felt along the back of my neck for the mysterious bump. Im sorry, but I’m just not feeling anything.

Me: Um. What do you mean?

dr: Well here let me feel your glands. Neck glands. Armpit glands. Pelvic area glands.

dr: Well those seem to be fine. Okay, let me try your neck again. Now put your finger right where you think it is.

Where I think it is?

Her hooves clawed around my neck once more.

Me: It’s right there. Where my finger is. Nope. Press down a little more. Okay little higher. No, little lower. Wait. Now move your finger slowly from side to side. Okay. Stop. Do you feel it now?

dr: No. I’m sorry I just cant feel anything. You know, how about I prescribe so Ibuprohin…

Prescribe some advil? Never heard of such a thing.

dr: …and I suppose I can take some blood, just to make sure your blood count is fine. Well okay, hope you feel better.

With that she’s gone.

Did I waste  a $25 co-pay. Not that I wanted anything to be wrong. But I least I wanted some answers. Other than advil. I know what my body feels like and what’s supposed to be there and what isnt. I’m really hands on when it comes to my body. As I guess we all should be. I usually jump out the shower and dry off in front of a full length mirror. I put lotion on while sitting or standing in front of a full length mirror. My hands are always in my head and scalp massaging oils, making twisties. I do breast exams or simply massage my breast, thighs, ass, b/c well it’s my body. And why not. I know very cleary what I look like down there and behind there. My body is not a mystery to me.*

But apparently I’m fine according to my dr. It’s either my imagination or my tendons. Whatever. Oh and I will be going down to CVS and picking up my ‘free’ prescription of advil. Why not. Well back to my daily yoga, weights, and treadmill. Hopefully nothing will be ‘popping’ and my blood works comes out fine and perhaps it’s just a harmless nodule that’s always been there. I’ll just keep an eye on it. Oh how I’ve missed my workouts 🙂

 

*ive had countless experinces where i’d make a comment on someone’s birthmark/scar/spot/lump, what have you and that person appears shocked that its even there. Responses that ive gotten “oh i dont look at my body” “Im scared of what I might find” “idk, its been there for a couple of months now” “ew gross, Im not touching myself…down there”  

Whatever. To each it’s own

 
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Posted by on September 18, 2011 in dear diary

 

jealous, crazy, & deranged

What does jealousy equate to you? For me, immediately it conjures up insecurity. Plain and simple. In all, if not most, of my so called jealousy situations, insecurity played a major part. Whether it was among friends, or a girlfriend, or even family members, at the end of the day insecurity was somewhere lurking.
So when I hear her explanations of, “then why I do get jealous when I’m around you.”
I’m like idk, insecurity perhaps.
She explained she doesn’t know what the future will hold. And she’s spoke of how we’re to far into a friendship to fall back into a relationship. Wouldn’t it be awkward? And we cant expect things to be the same between us. B/c that’s what people say. That its never the same.
But…there’s this one thing that’s confusing her. Why oh why does she get…jealous when I get around past girlfriends. She said her stomach turned when I bumped into an ‘old friend’, hugged her, caught up on old times, and such. After the encounter, later on that night she told me how she felt. Jealous. Even now, she explains she feels the same way.
I simply responded with: don’t equate jealousy with love
Her response? Well in her case she’s not a jealous person. And when it does happen, it’s usually b/c she cares about someone and she really didn’t realize how much.

I don’t know. So basically its jealousy that’s keeping you wanting to pursue this. Us.

As I watched some party scene in “Pretty Little Liars” (and yes I love that series.) and Lucas went into some jealous teenage rage over Hannah, I didn’t think insecurity. Even though its clear Lucas eats, sleeps, and breathes, insecurity. I simply thought, he really loves that girl. He’s hurt that such a sweet girl would be going out with a meat head jock. He’s pissed because she’s see’s nothing in him but friendship. His heart is broken because he can’t have the girl he loves. He’s jealous. And understandably so.
Okay.
Then there’s the movie “Insecure” that looked slightly interesting and kinda worth my dollar at a redbox machine. The clearly insecure and perhaps psychotic husband was controlling in every way possible. The ridiculous standards he had for his girlfriends. The constant jealously that he felt toward anybody that so much looked in his woman’s direction. It was just plain nuts. And there was no love there. He didn’t love those women. They were property. And objects, to be controlled and trained. Jealously.

Or the time I greeted my co-worker with a “hey beautiful” and a hug. The look I got from my other co-worker (let’s call her jezebel) who I occasionally greeted with ‘hey beautiful’ looked at me with such disdain. And when I called after her, “hey jezzi” she completely ignored me and kept walking.
Women.
What just happened there? I know these women don’t love me. Lol. I happen to know these women are quite secure. I mean, they’re no Lucas. But…was that some display of…jealously?
Oh the many definitions jealousy.

Sooo, where am I going with this? Well I suppose I just want raw, plain, and simple love.
Not accompanied by your insecurity’s or jealously. Don’t suddenly love me when you see me with someone else. Or love me when you realize you can’t have me.
Just love me, just because.
~~~~~~~~~~~

On other note I almost did a Britney Spears today. I did not feel like drenching my hair just so I can mold this huge hair ball on top of my head into a ponytail. But when its not wet, it simply stands on my head like the bride of frankenstein. I just about had enough. I’m cutting this shit off! I even went to the store to find some new products for my ‘new’ do.
Well I, chickened out. And left with a Badu scarf on my head.
Annoyance

 
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Posted by on September 15, 2011 in dear diary, Uncategorized