jealous, crazy, & deranged

15 Sep

What does jealousy equate to you? For me, immediately it conjures up insecurity. Plain and simple. In all, if not most, of my so called jealousy situations, insecurity played a major part. Whether it was among friends, or a girlfriend, or even family members, at the end of the day insecurity was somewhere lurking.
So when I hear her explanations of, “then why I do get jealous when I’m around you.”
I’m like idk, insecurity perhaps.
She explained she doesn’t know what the future will hold. And she’s spoke of how we’re to far into a friendship to fall back into a relationship. Wouldn’t it be awkward? And we cant expect things to be the same between us. B/c that’s what people say. That its never the same.
But…there’s this one thing that’s confusing her. Why oh why does she get…jealous when I get around past girlfriends. She said her stomach turned when I bumped into an ‘old friend’, hugged her, caught up on old times, and such. After the encounter, later on that night she told me how she felt. Jealous. Even now, she explains she feels the same way.
I simply responded with: don’t equate jealousy with love
Her response? Well in her case she’s not a jealous person. And when it does happen, it’s usually b/c she cares about someone and she really didn’t realize how much.

I don’t know. So basically its jealousy that’s keeping you wanting to pursue this. Us.

As I watched some party scene in “Pretty Little Liars” (and yes I love that series.) and Lucas went into some jealous teenage rage over Hannah, I didn’t think insecurity. Even though its clear Lucas eats, sleeps, and breathes, insecurity. I simply thought, he really loves that girl. He’s hurt that such a sweet girl would be going out with a meat head jock. He’s pissed because she’s see’s nothing in him but friendship. His heart is broken because he can’t have the girl he loves. He’s jealous. And understandably so.
Then there’s the movie “Insecure” that looked slightly interesting and kinda worth my dollar at a redbox machine. The clearly insecure and perhaps psychotic husband was controlling in every way possible. The ridiculous standards he had for his girlfriends. The constant jealously that he felt toward anybody that so much looked in his woman’s direction. It was just plain nuts. And there was no love there. He didn’t love those women. They were property. And objects, to be controlled and trained. Jealously.

Or the time I greeted my co-worker with a “hey beautiful” and a hug. The look I got from my other co-worker (let’s call her jezebel) who I occasionally greeted with ‘hey beautiful’ looked at me with such disdain. And when I called after her, “hey jezzi” she completely ignored me and kept walking.
What just happened there? I know these women don’t love me. Lol. I happen to know these women are quite secure. I mean, they’re no Lucas. But…was that some display of…jealously?
Oh the many definitions jealousy.

Sooo, where am I going with this? Well I suppose I just want raw, plain, and simple love.
Not accompanied by your insecurity’s or jealously. Don’t suddenly love me when you see me with someone else. Or love me when you realize you can’t have me.
Just love me, just because.

On other note I almost did a Britney Spears today. I did not feel like drenching my hair just so I can mold this huge hair ball on top of my head into a ponytail. But when its not wet, it simply stands on my head like the bride of frankenstein. I just about had enough. I’m cutting this shit off! I even went to the store to find some new products for my ‘new’ do.
Well I, chickened out. And left with a Badu scarf on my head.


Posted by on September 15, 2011 in dear diary, Uncategorized


2 responses to “jealous, crazy, & deranged

  1. hersandhers

    September 16, 2011 at 4:47 am

    I am dealing with this situation with the woman I am dating. I tell her that jealousy is based in insecurity, but she doesn’t see it. She gets jealous when I talk to friends and she knows they are just friends. Says she wants all of my time. I tell her that’s obsessive and not healthy. Trying to work through it now. Ugh
    Hope your situation gets better!
    I need to add you on my blogroll. I have your page on the home screen of my phone.

    • teresz

      September 16, 2011 at 6:51 am

      Thanks for commenting and reading the post. I completely agree. That stuff is not healthy. Since I am technically single, she has plenty of ‘A’ time to work out her issues and simply focus more on her. So yeah hopefully it will get better


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