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Monthly Archives: October 2011

What are we doing?

I’m sure one has asked that question at least once in their lifetime. It’s the question filled with confusion and bit of awkwardness. It’s the moment of sudden clarity that smacks you dead in your face.

Back tracking to a situation where we were supposed to ‘make up’ after a quarrel we had one night. Well, I didnt take the opporunity to do that. It actually wasnt even on my mind. I got out of bed. Decided that I hadnt sat on the balcony to watch the sun rise above the ocean. Nor did I take the time to read my doula book that I had bought along with me. Sipping my coffee, my eyes lazily mutitasking….staring at the distant waves, slowly reading the chapter regarding self hypnosis while giving birth and every now and then glancing at the Syfy zombie marathon that was taking place.

Heaven.

However, unbeknownst to me I was actually supposed to be ‘making up’ to A. And she was upset that I didnt ‘get it.’ In my head and also aloud I said if you were my girl then yeah I would have ‘made up.’ But your not. She said something on the lines of “Wow. It’s not about being my girlfriend, its about caring and simply being a friend. We don’t have to be together for you to check on me and see how I’m doing”.

Hm. Well, she has point. But where does it end.

 I had ‘friend’ who wanted to hold hands as we walked through the store. I casually pulled away. She asked, “What? You don’t like to hold hands?” I responded, “I like to hold hands with my girlfriend.” (and your not) I didnt say that last part, but I think she got it.

Or the young lady who expected me to cook her dinner when she came over. When I ‘cooked’ her chilli dogs, she thought I had lost my mind. She was actually looking forward to a full course meal. Excuse me. Your not my woman, therefore all you will get is a hotdog and canned beans.

I don’t want there to be any confusion here. I’m not going to role play with you or play house. If you have a certain title in my life, friend, cuddy, date, bff, wife, you will be treated as such. You wouldnt treat your wife the same way you treat your cuddy. And vice versa. I feel like I make that very clear, through my words and actions.

I’ve seen it happen time and time again, esp. with lesbians when one side of the party is misled or simply confused.

When lesbians are simply ‘talking’, meaning in the stages of getting to know each other and one side may think they’re in a relationship. 

Or if you’ve been in a relationship for a year or so, but you over hear your girlfriend refering to you as ‘that one chick I’ve been talking to’.

Or when the two of you have simply been fucking for the past 3 months, and you overhear her refer to you has her ‘wifey’ and she cant wait to make it legal. o_O

This is the kind of stuff I don’t want to get mixed up in. Even little things like declining to ‘makeup.’ And maybe it’s my defintion of ‘makeup.’ Perhaps I’m thinking more on the lines of the intimate (not sexual) way of ‘making up.’

I could have easily went into her room asked her if she was okay and left it at that. You don’t have to have a title to care, you just have to be a human being.

I think in my head I was just setting boundaries. I don’t want to play this girlfriend role, (and get hurt in the end) if that’s not how you see me. I don’t want to be another example above. Me assuming one thing, you thinking another.

That’s when I placed the question.

“What are we doing?’ 

 *views from the villa*

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Posted by on October 31, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Breast Cancer Awareness Month & Remembering

I remember her energy. So loving and warm. And happy. I remember us dancing at parties. her smile. I remember how she never drank alcohol. And always the life of the party. I remember her beautiful girlfriend. remember when it was getting close for me to leave mpls, I remember choking and tearing up, as told her in so many words that me and A. were splitting up. I remember how much love they both must have for each other, to be able to maintain their long distant relationship. I remember her telling me about her kids. I remember meeting one or two of them at a LGBT picnic. I remember committing a major fashion hiccup. wearing a very erotic t shirt with two scantily clad women embracing. geez, what was i thinking, smh. I remember holding a blanket up to my chest (for the next 5 hrs).

I simply remember her. And just her amazing presence. Our interactions were brief, but always memorable. You will Always be in my thoughts. Your smile, your laughter, your energy

Erin, you will Truly be missed.

~sunset 10-17-2011~

 
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Posted by on October 17, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Facebook, ‘coming out’

In the Advocate advice column, it was asked if it was bad manners to ‘come out’ via facebook? Interesting. The author of the column noted that on his website poll, facebooking your ‘coming out’ status was highly unfavorable. However, in the comment section of his article people seemed to feel that coming out on Facebook was…okay. And that’s basically my feelings on the subject. There were some disagreements on how the original question was actually formed.

When you say coming out on Facebook, do you mean that absolutely nobody knows (except perhaps your lover). Or, do immediate loved ones know and your just bringing distant family/friends/associates up to speed.

Most agreed on the latter. I kind of fall into that category. I mean do I need to call every single person I know and divulge that yes I’m a lesbian. Not really. And honestly if you don’t know by now, then you probably don’t play a singnifant role in my life.

I remember years ago, when I first stated ‘lesbian’ under orientation on MySpace (hence, years ago.) Upon starting my page up, I left that area blank. Back then my thinking was “I have family members on this site, how could I possibly say I’m gay” (the horror!) Eventually, perhaps a year after my page was up I decided, screw it. How long was I supposed to hide. I put ‘lesbian’ or ‘gay’ (i cant remember) under orientation and that was that. I do admit, that may have marked the beginning of me and my sis awkward relationship. Something had changed. Like that elephant in the room and no one dares mention it. However, it has become better now.

Now fast forward to Facebook. Mind you, I’m not an actively participant on FB. I’m on FB but I’m not. I have no urge to write on my wall or update a status. I have no interest in writing on other folks wall, commenting or liking anything. Not that there’s anything wrong with any of these things. It just feels like wasted energy. However, I do on occasion post photos. I will, every blue moon ‘like’ a comment or photo. But I really have to like it, lol. And rarely I’ll make a comment on someones wall. And yeah that’s pretty much my relationship with FB. So this past pride when I decided to post my mpls-pride pics, I received comments like, ‘soo, youre gay now’ and ‘how come you never told me’ and the oddest one ‘go-girl, congratulations!’ huh? Congratulations? I’m sorry, i don’t quite understand, lol

So for folks that didnt know, well they do now. Perhaps in their eyes, they saw me as ‘coming out.’ But no, Ive been out for ages now.

So, is it good manners to come out on facebook? Absolutely. There shouldnt be any rules to it. Just do it. 🙂

 
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Posted by on October 17, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Lynx Celebration

If you havnt already heard by now, the WNBA Lynx have won the Championship!

The Minnesota Lynx and fans are celebrating the teams WNBA championship in the Twin Cities today. This will be the first win in 20 years for any professional sports championship in Minnesota. Leave it to the Lynx to break that record!

Also, Augustus was named MVP. Yeah!

(of course A. calls me from the parade, saying that it was crazy packed and already with a beer in hand)

and here i am at work 😦

Well enjoy

 
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Posted by on October 11, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

next countdown

And yet begans another countdown. The countdown for eventually leaving Phoenix. I never thought this day would come. Renewal of my lease is coming up and Im  going for 6 months. Not that Im necessarily moving in 6 months. I simply don’t want to be commited to a full year here. I am anxious to say the least. A tad bit worried. It was so different 8 years ago, leaving mom’s home abruptly with exactly 2000 bucks in my pocket and a plane ticket. It was fun, exhilirating, and a little bit scary. But fun…scary. I loved it. Finally being on my own. I had the time of my life. I got jobs easily. Had a nice circle friends. It was quite nice. And the thing is, no serious planning went into it. I just simply…left.

Now its a tad bit different. I need to think about job security. Being able to transfer, which I will. 2 g’s in my pocket will simply not cut it. This is not some extended getway like before. This is final. What will family say? Do I care?  Will I still move? (of course) When I do make the move, what if me and A. simply dont connect like we thought we would? Would it be awkward that im now living in ‘her’ city? lol goodness

 
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Posted by on October 10, 2011 in dear diary

 

black lesbian poets tour 2011

The Revival: 2nd Annual Revival, Black Lesbian Poets Tour is scheduled to hit up the east coast and mid-west this October.

Previous events have passed, but their last tour coming up is

October 14, 2011: Chicago, Ill., with Patience Soprano

This collective of beautiful poets and artist are made up of LOVE the poet, Cave Canem, t ai freedom, Solrose and Punany, amongst others and local guest. Held in private venues, these talented poets express life experiences through prose, music, and art. For more info. checkout the website.

The Revival

Past dates below:

Thursday, October 6, 2011: Washington DC with Bettina Judd
Friday, October 7, 2011: Brooklyn, NY with R. Erica Doyle
Saturday, October 8, 2011: Philadelphia, PA with E. Kairo Miles

 
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Posted by on October 10, 2011 in Lesbo stuff

 

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Vacay number 3

The countdown officially begins for me and A’s (3rd) vacation. 19 days and counting. This will be the last trip for us this year. I’ve been spending way too much money on vacations, but I’ve enjoyed them all. So unless she’s giving me an all expense paid trip, then I’ll just have to see her next year. This one is going to be amazing and more about relaxing. The other ones were about running around, (Pride, Janet Jackson concert) trying to be here and there. This trip will simply be us living the lazy life on the beach. In our jackets I’m sure, lol. She however did mention recently that she would love to have me for Christmas. Really? For a moment I thought I was the only one initiating any get together’s between us. she would love to have me for christmas Yes, I like the sound of that. We’ll see, though. That might be a bit hard. Since I know for a fact I won’t be seeing the family for thanksgiving, I’m pretty sure they’ll come down for Christmas. Perhaps I can split the two. Have christmas with the fam and then catch a red eye to mpls? Who knows. For now Ill just focus on Newport and late nights on the beach:)

 
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Posted by on October 5, 2011 in dear diary