Loving yourself

03 Oct
I really like this woman. Just her ‘around the way’ personality, confidence, and intelligence, is very refreshing. Recently saw her youtube videos, with the focus on maintenance with natural hair, but she also has a video speaking on weight and weight loss, titled Less Fat, More Problems. I really enjoyed this clip, I could absolutely relate. And it didn’t have to do necessarily with weight loss. But more on the aspect of having really low self esteem for so long, then for whatever reason, weight loss, self help/therapy, maturing, that Aha! moment, whatever, you later gain confidence and love for yourself.
 I could relate.
It just reminded me of all the people who were close to me in mpls, maybe except for K. they all came into my life when my self esteem was utterly low. And for me, it took over my personality and what people saw of me. There were a lot of things that I thought to myself, I just never had the confidence to say aloud. “What will people say?” “What will they think of me?” And actually I would be on the opposite end of being fat and having low self esteem. Honestly, I think I simply hid behind my looks. I’ll just be honest, its not about being vain. But back then I felt I had my looks going for me, so why add anything else to the pot. I know, sad. I was cute and petite. On top of that I had that ‘black girl long hair.’ You know hair that’s not actually long, speaking in general. (Bra length).  I mean everything was right on point. You couldnt tell me nothing. 😉
I had amazing versatility. I could pull off the stud look when I wanted to and then fall back into femme mode (when I hit the cluds) seamlessly.
However, with all that, I still had low self esteem. I hid behind physical features, for fear of what others would think of my personality. But being ‘cute’ can only go so far. If you don’t have a personality to go along with it, then you have nothing. And that ‘cuteness’ began to catch up with me. Relationships failed, friendships came and went. Acquaintance’s never even lasted. I was socially awkward. It was hard for me to communicate, espeically in social settings, from huge issues to little ass stuff. I was fearful of letting people in. And the thing is, since it took so long for me to be open and just be me, by that time, acquaintances were long gone. lol. Who wants to wait til I peeled off all my layers to reveal my true self. Issues.
Anyways, those days are in the past. Beautifulbrwnbabydols video just took me back to how your treated and how the world looks to you when you have no or low self esteem compared to when you have confidence.
I think for me, since I’m not that person anymore, I don’t think I’ve so much lost any friends, I think that they’re just surprised. Like what I’m dealing with, regarding A. She met me at that time. Low self esteem. And now that I’m not that person, she just has difficult time grasping the ‘new me.’ And I wouldnt even say ‘new me’ because those traits have always been there. It just took a certain comfort level to drag it out of me.
Anyways, really enjoyed her view on losing weight and gaining self esteem. For me the only negative thing as far as building confidence is probably just the reactions from people who arent used to seeing that side of me. They tell me that  I’ve either changed or the people who were drawn to my lower self esteem personalilty are now taken aback. Like they don’t know how to act. It’s almost funny. So I guess not so much negative. Just interesting.
And also, even though I’m not dealing with those issues now, doing the Big Chop has really forced me to be even more outgoing. Something about having a twa, you have no choice but to be fierce:) Love it!

Posted by on October 3, 2011 in Uncategorized


2 responses to “Loving yourself

  1. natasiarose

    October 6, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    It’s great you were able to conquer having low self esteem. It’s not easy.


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