well maybe I wouldn’t go that far, but ya know
Perhaps I’m going about this all wrong. I wonder if I put as much focus as I am on attempting to create a relationship, into perhaps my goals, hobbies, career, finances, health…Would I have everything I want right now. At this point it seems that I’m letting my life be led by others around me. The last time I actually made a major decision based on solely me was at 21. I moved thousands of miles away because I wanted too. I felt a calling. Not based on someone else. But based on something. My intuition. My path. And everything else basically fell in place. The ‘what’, ‘when’, and ‘how’, came knowingly in my life because I usually had a plan. Although the ‘who’ was a bit of a mystery. I never in a millions years thought I would find myself with T. I never thought my main crew would consist of mainly trans women.(Yep) I never knew I would be in relationship with someone literally twice my age. The ‘who’s’ simply fell into my life naturally yet spontaneously. I didn’t force these people to me. They came in (and out) my life on their own. And the thing is when these ppl did choose to eventually leave I never felt the need to up root myself simply because they weren’t there anymore. I had other things going for me that held me grounded and most importantly, happy.
Basically now instead of making my choices based on the ‘what’, ‘when’, and ‘where’, I’m pretty much chasing the ‘WHO.’
So why did the vest save my life. It was the catalyst that prompted me to my AHA! moment. Two tea cups of rum and oj, a tub of popcorn, a pint of starbucks frappuccino ice cream, a bout of tears, a severe belly ache, a marathon of True Blood, and a 5hr nap, …later, I realize that I’ve been going about this all wrong.
the vest that I bought HER. The Response that she gave me. The awkwardness of the Situation. The now weird Silence. My Disappointment. And Confusion. Leading to a bit of Rebellion. And a dash of Fuck You. My initial idea of ‘Flirting in different area codes’ made me think. Why am I really moving back. Am I letting the ‘who’ make my Choices. Or am I being lead by the ‘what’, ‘when’, and ‘where?’
The Aha! moment?
I now know the answer to that.
Next question, what am I going to do about it?
*this post could also touch on the lines of gift giving and Receiving etiquette. But ill save that for another time