Category Archives: dear diary

next countdown

And yet begans another countdown. The countdown for eventually leaving Phoenix. I never thought this day would come. Renewal of my lease is coming up and Im  going for 6 months. Not that Im necessarily moving in 6 months. I simply don’t want to be commited to a full year here. I am anxious to say the least. A tad bit worried. It was so different 8 years ago, leaving mom’s home abruptly with exactly 2000 bucks in my pocket and a plane ticket. It was fun, exhilirating, and a little bit scary. But fun…scary. I loved it. Finally being on my own. I had the time of my life. I got jobs easily. Had a nice circle friends. It was quite nice. And the thing is, no serious planning went into it. I just simply…left.

Now its a tad bit different. I need to think about job security. Being able to transfer, which I will. 2 g’s in my pocket will simply not cut it. This is not some extended getway like before. This is final. What will family say? Do I care?  Will I still move? (of course) When I do make the move, what if me and A. simply dont connect like we thought we would? Would it be awkward that im now living in ‘her’ city? lol goodness

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Posted by on October 10, 2011 in dear diary


Vacay number 3

The countdown officially begins for me and A’s (3rd) vacation. 19 days and counting. This will be the last trip for us this year. I’ve been spending way too much money on vacations, but I’ve enjoyed them all. So unless she’s giving me an all expense paid trip, then I’ll just have to see her next year. This one is going to be amazing and more about relaxing. The other ones were about running around, (Pride, Janet Jackson concert) trying to be here and there. This trip will simply be us living the lazy life on the beach. In our jackets I’m sure, lol. She however did mention recently that she would love to have me for Christmas. Really? For a moment I thought I was the only one initiating any get together’s between us. she would love to have me for christmas Yes, I like the sound of that. We’ll see, though. That might be a bit hard. Since I know for a fact I won’t be seeing the family for thanksgiving, I’m pretty sure they’ll come down for Christmas. Perhaps I can split the two. Have christmas with the fam and then catch a red eye to mpls? Who knows. For now Ill just focus on Newport and late nights on the beach:)

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Posted by on October 5, 2011 in dear diary


“Oil Infusion Set” review…well kinda

I think I stumbled upon this product while watching youtube naturals last night. You would have thought I was newly natural with the videos I’ve been taking in. But no, just newly chopped. Trying to get an idea of how other twa’s style there hair. Anyway’s there were alot of videos expressing their thoughts on the (olive) “Oil Infusion Set” by Carol’sDaughter. The oil infusion set uses the product khoret amen, which has been a staple product pretty much since CD’s introduced her line. I first saw the Khoret Amen line several years ago, when I first discovered Carol’sDaughter, however I was always turned off simply by the name. ‘Khoret’ reminded me of carrots, so I just never came around to purchasing it, lol. I know, stupid. And I may be wrong about this, but I could have sworn she took the Khoret Amen line down some time ago, so I was surprised to see it up again in the form of the ‘Oil Infusion Set.”

Now basically this is my review/assumption of the product. The assumption is because, I’ve never used it. (Don’t you just love reviews from people who have never even used the products) . After watching several tuturials of how naturals used the ‘Oil Infusion’, and how their hair was reportedly manageble, soft, and detangled, I started thinking, well…if you put any oil, such as jojoba, olive, avocado oil, on your hair and scalp and lathered on top of that a good deep conditioner, such as any CarolsDaughter cond., sheamoisture, Motions, etc, than sat under a dryer for about 30 minutes, I would be absolutely shocked if my hair didnt feel manageble, soft, and detangled.

And honestly most folks have these ingredients at home right now. Who doesnt have a bottle of conditioner in their home? I’m guessing some would even have a ‘deep’ conditioner sitting on their shelves right now. And if you just so happen to have a bottle of olive oil in your kitchen cabinet, then there you go, oil infusion set in your home, saving you a sweet $25 bucks. I mean honestly whats the difference?

Whats in the Khoret Amen Hair Oil?

Olea Europaea (Olive) Fruit Oil, Fragrance (Parfum), Lavandula Angustifolia (Lavender) Flower Extract, Salvia Officinalis (Sage) Leaf Extract, Cananga Odorata (Ylang Ylang) Oil, Pogostemon Cablin (Patchouli) Oil, Jumiperus Virhiniana (Cedarwood) Oil, Salvia Sclarea (Clary Sage) Oil, Pimenta Racemosa (Bay) Oil

So basically she uses one carrier oil which would be the Olive Oil and various essential oils. And honestly the essential oils are there more or less to create the ‘khoret amen’ fragrance. But don’t get me wrong, these EO’s do contain beneficial properties, such as lavendar being a anti-inflammatory and sage, an anti-fungal. But without the EO’s added would you lose the hydrating and moisturizing affects? I honestly don’t think so.

What’s in your kitchen cabinet Olive Oil?…

Olive Oil
(Feel free to add in essential oils) *

Whats in the Khoret Amen Hair Smoothie?

Water (Aqua), Cetearyl Alcohol, Glycerin, Brassicamidopropyl Dimethylamine, Helianthus Annuus (Sunflower) Seed Oil, Amodimethicone, Olea Europaea (Olive) Fruit Oil, Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea Butter), Theobroma Cacao (Cocoa) Seed Butter, Mauritia Flexuosa (Buriti) Fruit Oil, Prunus Amygdalus Dulcis (Sweet Almond) Oil, Triticum Vulgare (Wheat) Germ Oil, Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Juice, Panthenol (Pro-vitamin B5), Tocopheryl Acetate (Vitamin E), Hydrolyzed Soy Protein, Cananga Odorata (Ylang Ylang) Oil, Pogostemon Cablin (Patchouli) Oil, Juniperus Virginiana (Cedarwood) Oil, Salvia Sclarea (Clary Sage) Oil, Pimenta Racemosa (Bay) Oil, Caprylyl Glycol, Hexylene Glycol, Cyclopentasiloxane, Tetrasodium EDTA, Aspartic Acid, Polysorbate 20, PEG-40 Castor Oil, Potassium Sorbate, Phenoxyethanol, Fragrance (Parfum)

Whats in my conditioner at home?

deionized water, butyrospermum parkii (shea butter), argan oil, cetyl esters, sea kelp extract, panthenol (vitamin b-5), ammonium salt, essential oil blend, avocado oil, lonicera caprifolium (honeysuckle) flower and lonicera japonica (japanese honeysuckle) flower extract, tocopherol (vitamin e), hyssopus officinalis extract, salvia officinalis (sage) leaf and equisetum arvense extract, soybean oil, daucus carota sativa (carrot) seed oil.

Both pretty much have really good natural and moisturing ingredients.

Now the only thing that’s new to me is the technique of the product. I have to admit I’ve never tried oil and a conditioner at the same time. If I’m doing a hot oil treatment, it’s simply putting oil on my hair then sitting under a dryer. So yes, the “Oil Infusion Set” technique is something new to me that I cant wait to try, but do I specifically need the “Khoret Amen Infusion Oil Set” to get the same benefits? I really don’t think so.

But hey, I could be wrong, this wouldnt be the first time.

 So personally I’ll pass on the “Oil Infusion Set.” But the technique, yeah I’ll definitely be trying that.

*For any ‘kitchen chemist’ out there, make sure your using ph balance strips for any homemade hair concoctions. And also create small batches that you will likely use within 1 to 2 wks. It cuts down on bacteria potenially forming 🙂


Posted by on September 29, 2011 in dear diary


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hair drama

Why does it seem like the people closest to you are your worse critics. Because they…care? Before the BC, I hinted to co-workers and a couple associates about my sudden venture. Responses? Oh cool. Whatever style you have, you can pull it off.

Maybe people who are close to you, are just more comfortable being straight up honest with you. Family and friends respone:


“You’ll look like a boy, dont do it.”

“You will be ALONE!”

“Is something wrong?”

When I actually did the BC, I nearly got a standing ovation at work. And compliments from some neighbors. But loved ones? You would have thought someone died. The less than thrilled reations from family members. That ‘obligatory smile.’ You know, the thin lip, straight line smile. And I’m sure my mother thinks I’m on my way to transitioning .

And this afternoon was the final straw. When A. called regarding the photos I sent. Like, I was sure somebody passed away. I could hear it in her voice. But nope, that wasnt it. She was dissapointed because I cut my hair. My goodness. Really. Is it that serious. She replies, “Well you know I didnt want you to cut your hair off.” Her tone and mood was clearly upset. After going back and forth, her insisting that this had to be some type of joke, me insisting that it cleary wasnt, A. said “we’ll talk later” and noted as long as like it then, fine.

By the way, I hate when people say. “Well as long as you like it…”

Honestly, I wish I can say I could care less what people think of me, especially regarding my personal style, but she did actually hurt my feelings.

I love my hair. And I have no regrets. And even though I said I was lazy and no longer wanted to style my hair…I ended standing in front of the mirror for 2 hours making little twisties. It actually came out really cute. I surprised myself. Anywho, thats my rant for the day. Now for some margaritas and 50 cent tacos. A. can talk to my voicemail.

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Posted by on September 23, 2011 in dear diary


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Big Chop

Well I finally did it. The plan was to chop at the end of this month. But you know when you get the feeling, if I don’t do this right now at this moment, ill never do it. Well that’s how I felt last night. So I sat down in front the bathroom sink, turned on my camera, (yes I have live footage, lol) and proceeded with the big chop. Since I’m not a professional and I didn’t quite know how to cut this wild child growing out my scalp, I made a bunch of french braids and went from there. The first chop was nerve wracking, but afterwards it was no going back. I actually really like it. And best believe ima rock it! I guess it would make sense to post pics…but, yeah its on FB, and what not.
Note* When I did the first cut I noticed like this dime size bald spot at the back of my head. Which freaked me out b/c, well one I have a bald spot! and two, I was confused at how I cut it that short. But apparently, the spot had been there previously. The culprit? I had a similar discovery at the crown of my head of all places several years ago. I eventually realized it was from wrapping my scarf around my head and knotting the scarf right at the top of my head. Apparently the knot, after weeks and months was cutting off circulation and causing breakage and eventual complete hair loss. Hm. Imagine that. So yes I stopped putting knots on top of my head, but clearly I didn’t learn my lesson b/c now I’ve began putting them at the back of head. However, these knots are from me pulling my hair back into a ponytail using a scarf, nylon, or simply a strip of cloth. Its better than trying to squeeze your natural into a twistie/scrunchi. And it doesn’t pull on your edges. But, with the cloth you still have to make a knot in order to secure it. And that knot ends up lying on the base of your head, eventually becoming a tiny bald spot? Has anyone experienced this?
Anyways, I sent mass photos to everyone, showing off my BC. I got comments such as “I guess it looks nice” “omg, it looks really cute.” And “please wear earrings and makeup” of course that one is from mommy dearest. Overall I’m happy.
Another note* this BC wasn’t an attempt to be natural, cuz I have been natural for about 12 years. I’m simply to lazy to continue styling my hair, lol. And a twa seemed to be my only option. 🙂

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Posted by on September 22, 2011 in dear diary


dr appt

I’ve been putting off working out for like a week now. Not even yoga. Since I found this weird bump at the base of my skull, slightly behind my ear, I’ve been completely freaked out. It almost feels like this pea sized bulging vein.

Worst case scenario, I’m on my elliptical machine, going at a steady jog as I slowly progess into full blown sprint mode. My heart begans to race and the usual sweat starts to drip down the small of my back and


My vein explodes, leaking blood and toxins into my brain.  I collaspe as  my lifeless body flops and does a sumersault off the treadmill at lightning speed. Crumpled on the filthy gym floor succuming to a sudden and devastating death.

Yeah, sooo I havnt been exercising lately. I did go to my physician to have it checked on, but apparently I’m hallucinating because for the life of my dr. she swears she couldnt find anything. She also thought I was speaking about my glands. Nope. Im fully aware of all my glands and where they’re located. This is not one of them. Perhaps if I talk ‘big’ she will realize I’m not a complete moron.

Me: Its right above the border of my occiptal ridge, proximal to my ear. There.

Her heavy handed man hands clumsily felt along the back of my neck for the mysterious bump. Im sorry, but I’m just not feeling anything.

Me: Um. What do you mean?

dr: Well here let me feel your glands. Neck glands. Armpit glands. Pelvic area glands.

dr: Well those seem to be fine. Okay, let me try your neck again. Now put your finger right where you think it is.

Where I think it is?

Her hooves clawed around my neck once more.

Me: It’s right there. Where my finger is. Nope. Press down a little more. Okay little higher. No, little lower. Wait. Now move your finger slowly from side to side. Okay. Stop. Do you feel it now?

dr: No. I’m sorry I just cant feel anything. You know, how about I prescribe so Ibuprohin…

Prescribe some advil? Never heard of such a thing.

dr: …and I suppose I can take some blood, just to make sure your blood count is fine. Well okay, hope you feel better.

With that she’s gone.

Did I waste  a $25 co-pay. Not that I wanted anything to be wrong. But I least I wanted some answers. Other than advil. I know what my body feels like and what’s supposed to be there and what isnt. I’m really hands on when it comes to my body. As I guess we all should be. I usually jump out the shower and dry off in front of a full length mirror. I put lotion on while sitting or standing in front of a full length mirror. My hands are always in my head and scalp massaging oils, making twisties. I do breast exams or simply massage my breast, thighs, ass, b/c well it’s my body. And why not. I know very cleary what I look like down there and behind there. My body is not a mystery to me.*

But apparently I’m fine according to my dr. It’s either my imagination or my tendons. Whatever. Oh and I will be going down to CVS and picking up my ‘free’ prescription of advil. Why not. Well back to my daily yoga, weights, and treadmill. Hopefully nothing will be ‘popping’ and my blood works comes out fine and perhaps it’s just a harmless nodule that’s always been there. I’ll just keep an eye on it. Oh how I’ve missed my workouts 🙂


*ive had countless experinces where i’d make a comment on someone’s birthmark/scar/spot/lump, what have you and that person appears shocked that its even there. Responses that ive gotten “oh i dont look at my body” “Im scared of what I might find” “idk, its been there for a couple of months now” “ew gross, Im not touching myself…down there”  

Whatever. To each it’s own

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Posted by on September 18, 2011 in dear diary


jealous, crazy, & deranged

What does jealousy equate to you? For me, immediately it conjures up insecurity. Plain and simple. In all, if not most, of my so called jealousy situations, insecurity played a major part. Whether it was among friends, or a girlfriend, or even family members, at the end of the day insecurity was somewhere lurking.
So when I hear her explanations of, “then why I do get jealous when I’m around you.”
I’m like idk, insecurity perhaps.
She explained she doesn’t know what the future will hold. And she’s spoke of how we’re to far into a friendship to fall back into a relationship. Wouldn’t it be awkward? And we cant expect things to be the same between us. B/c that’s what people say. That its never the same.
But…there’s this one thing that’s confusing her. Why oh why does she get…jealous when I get around past girlfriends. She said her stomach turned when I bumped into an ‘old friend’, hugged her, caught up on old times, and such. After the encounter, later on that night she told me how she felt. Jealous. Even now, she explains she feels the same way.
I simply responded with: don’t equate jealousy with love
Her response? Well in her case she’s not a jealous person. And when it does happen, it’s usually b/c she cares about someone and she really didn’t realize how much.

I don’t know. So basically its jealousy that’s keeping you wanting to pursue this. Us.

As I watched some party scene in “Pretty Little Liars” (and yes I love that series.) and Lucas went into some jealous teenage rage over Hannah, I didn’t think insecurity. Even though its clear Lucas eats, sleeps, and breathes, insecurity. I simply thought, he really loves that girl. He’s hurt that such a sweet girl would be going out with a meat head jock. He’s pissed because she’s see’s nothing in him but friendship. His heart is broken because he can’t have the girl he loves. He’s jealous. And understandably so.
Then there’s the movie “Insecure” that looked slightly interesting and kinda worth my dollar at a redbox machine. The clearly insecure and perhaps psychotic husband was controlling in every way possible. The ridiculous standards he had for his girlfriends. The constant jealously that he felt toward anybody that so much looked in his woman’s direction. It was just plain nuts. And there was no love there. He didn’t love those women. They were property. And objects, to be controlled and trained. Jealously.

Or the time I greeted my co-worker with a “hey beautiful” and a hug. The look I got from my other co-worker (let’s call her jezebel) who I occasionally greeted with ‘hey beautiful’ looked at me with such disdain. And when I called after her, “hey jezzi” she completely ignored me and kept walking.
What just happened there? I know these women don’t love me. Lol. I happen to know these women are quite secure. I mean, they’re no Lucas. But…was that some display of…jealously?
Oh the many definitions jealousy.

Sooo, where am I going with this? Well I suppose I just want raw, plain, and simple love.
Not accompanied by your insecurity’s or jealously. Don’t suddenly love me when you see me with someone else. Or love me when you realize you can’t have me.
Just love me, just because.

On other note I almost did a Britney Spears today. I did not feel like drenching my hair just so I can mold this huge hair ball on top of my head into a ponytail. But when its not wet, it simply stands on my head like the bride of frankenstein. I just about had enough. I’m cutting this shit off! I even went to the store to find some new products for my ‘new’ do.
Well I, chickened out. And left with a Badu scarf on my head.


Posted by on September 15, 2011 in dear diary, Uncategorized